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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Day 328 of Giving Thanks

The enemy will lull you to sleep with his words. Some things sound really great from the pulpit or even better when we are justifying actions or the world around us.

Since writing Giving Thanks Daily and creating the Wonderfully Made page, I have been even more cautious about my writing. I am grateful that God has given me access to great counsel, that He has raised my awareness levels high – that my heart is grieved when something doesn’t “sound” or “feel” right, and I am prompted to question it. It does not always mean I am right, it does keep me going to the word to make sure I am; or seek counsel and guidance if I need to. 

There is a constant hum of “Be careful, Shawn, you are responsible to stand before GOD - watch what you share and teach others” plays on in my head.  

I hear people say all the time “that is the enemy". Not all bad circumstances in my life are attacks of the enemy - illness, storms, job losses, financial hardship or death. It is very comforting to know that God wants me to come to Him through it all. During all these times He is the constant; no matter why things happen, God is the why I will get through them.

God will use me greatly when I come to Him greatly. And I come to Him greatly when I need Him greatly.

Father, help me to see through, and exemplify You through all I do. I pray for discernment and truth.  

1.      Psalm 119:125 I am your servant; give me discernment that I may understand your statutes.
2.    Proverbs 3:21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight;
3.     Proverbs 17:10 A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool.
4.    Proverbs 28:11 A rich man may be wise in his own eyes, but a poor man who has discernment sees through him.

We are covered for our sin

orange = Shawn's responses or notes.
Other Test, scripture, Bold = highlighted scripture

Daniel's Note:
The part about Christians being liars if they sin was a verse from the Bible. 1 John 3:9 says if you are in Him you cannot continue to sin. And that was contrary to what you were saying that we will always continue to sin. That's why I posted it, I was trying to correct you. The stance that we will always sin until we die says that Jesus is not our savior from sin, but death is. Jesus came to save us FROM our sin, not IN our sin.

Galatians 5:24. Colossians 2:11

Those are neither boastful or prideful statements because I don't claim to have done the work for any of it, I'm only boasting and taking pride in what Jesus has finished. He did all of the work, so "if any man boasts, let him boast in the Lord."

Jesus did the work, I get to enjoy the benefits. I don't have to work hard for it, I just have to receive it. That's the good news of the Gospel. Hebrews 4:10, we should be resting from our work as Jesus is, not striving for things He has given us.

I don't say what I say to cause division, or to pervert scripture, I say what I say to free people because I have been freed from that way of thinking. ;).

1 John 3:9

The Bible makes the point over and over that
we are dead to sin”, (Romans 5, 6, 8. Galatians 5:24. Colossians 2:11) that our sinful nature is dead and has been removed from us, and that we cannot go on living in sin, we have been set completely free from it. I'm not adding anything or misinterpreting anything, I'm just repeating what the Bible says about the issue :). There's no special, secret way to interpret, "You're dead to sin." and "You're sinful nature is dead."

End Note from Daniel

The only way we can be in God's presence is to be without sin. We are "covered by the blood of the lamb". 

We still live in sinful bodies. Our flesh is sinful. We will never be "100% like" Christ here on earth. He was fully God in human form.... We can never be fully God in human form, that would make us God. Even as Jesus was tempted, He was still God. I could never make that claim. I am the sinner who was saved by the perfect man, being God in flesh - and with every day as I seek and desire to be closer to Him, I do get better; and I will become closer to perfection, but I will never be the "perfect man", as Jesus was/is. 

Romans 5, 6, 8.
Romans 5
Peace and Joy
 1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b]rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

 6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
 9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ
 12Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— 13for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. 14Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.
 15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!16Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.
 18Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.
 20The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 6
Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ
 1What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
 5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,[d] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
 8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
 11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.
This does not say we will not sin anymore… It tells us to not let it be the master, because we are under grace.
Slaves to Righteousness
 15What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! 16Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. 18You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
 19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness.20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[e] Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 7
An Illustration From Marriage
 1Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to men who know the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? 2For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. 3So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
 4So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God. 5For when we were controlled by the sinful nature,[f] the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death. 6But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.
Struggling With Sin
 7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."[g] 8But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead.9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
 11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
 14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[h] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
 21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! 
      So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
We still have our sinful bodies. Our “natural body” wants to sin, we cannot get away from it. WE can change toward sinlessness, but our body’s will be the same until we are transformed to eternity.
Romans 8
Life Through the Spirit
 1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[i] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,[j] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.[k] And so he condemned sin in sinful man,[l] 4in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

We have to “live according to the Spirit”, it doesn’t just happen. When I became a Christian, I didn’t switch off all the sinful things or living like a righteous person, such as “doubting my worth”, “not respecting my husband”, “telling white lies”, “I am afraid, concerned, worried”, “not taking care of my temple”, “not trusting that God has everything under control”, “not living to my potential”.
 5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6The mind of sinful man[m] is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7the sinful mind[n] is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. 8Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.
 9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
Our bodies are dead because of sin, yet we have the spirit inside us. There is conflict.
 12Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live,14because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.[o] And by him we cry, "Abba,[p] Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Future Glory
 18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[q] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
 22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
We wait for our new body, which we will not get until we are raised up when we die physically of this world to be with our heavenly Father.
 26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness
What weakness, if not sin? 
We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
We pray in Jesus name to go to God, we pray for forgiveness of our sins, for healing. 
More Than Conquerors
 28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[r] who[s] have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
 31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written: 
   "For your sake we face death all day long;
      we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
[t] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[u] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Realizing I am a sloth and sluggard - OUCH!

Today was another revealing learning experience from God through our pastor John Bruce.

I have spent my life as a doer, so I thought! But the more I get to know God, or, actually get to know me with God, I realize how much growth I have - not a new statement by me; however, revolutionary anyway from today's standpoint.

Last week, John discussed, Smart People Take God Seriously, and it is a sad state that our world is in right now. We take so many other things seriously, the things that really don't impact anything except our pride or boasting.... but that gets me political, and that is not my aim right now.

Today as I heard God's word, I was again, set to grieving how much time I have lost - spending time on the wrong things and with the wrong thinking. Still in Proverbs, John's 10 Ways to Diagnose Whether or Not (I am) a Sluggard or Sloth, and the lesson begins.

Smart People Take Action
  1. Do I Think I am Lazy? Many months ago, and for my entire life, I would have said "no", strongly "NO". And, as I reflect on my actions, or inactions over the years, I am submitting that changes need to happen; I have gotten in life what I have because I don't always act as quickly as I should. So, how does that change? With recognition that change is needed, praying - asking God to direct and guide, then massive action on my part. SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Proverbs 26:16
  2. Do I Make Small, Soft Choices - WHICH Eventually Become Habits? Everyday! Wow, reality is shocking sometimes, and my prayer is that these are not just my revelations, but others can see their need to know themselves better. Idleness saps or zaps energy - how true is this? This morning, I woke up early, then rolled over and fell back to sleep, and when I woke up for the second time, an hour later - I didn't want to budge. John's examples including, longer shower, slower to getting up from the table after a meal, procrastinating and slow to start things. SO WHAT SHOULD I DO? Push myself at every moment. Be the person that does things first, and the best! Proverbs 6:9-11 & Proverbs 19:15.
  3. Do I Always Feel Busy, BUT Accomplishing Nothing? BINGO! Yep! Got me on this one! Never, ever feel like I have enough time - this one is speaking to me loud and clear. My life has been run like the bell goes off, and I am in the midst of a fire drill I will definitely be listening to this message again. It truly is a matter of prioritizing, and knowing what to spend time on. I am working with someone right now - coaching, mentoring, fine-tuning my walk with God, and this is the area. My coach calls it the Playground (my mind). Proverbs 12:11 & Proverbs 14:23
  4. Am I Always in a Rush to Get Things Done? Rushing through life is a past-time of many - do I do it? Absolutely. And, it is my desire to enjoy every aspect of my life - no matter what the activity or event. To be present in all moments, whether planned, spontaneous or "just so happens". Proverbs 21:5 & Ecclesiastes 11:4. There are so many things that haste is costing me. Lord, guide me to savor.... to enjoy.... feel joy! 
  5. Do I Wait "Til the Ideal Time" Before Taking Actions? Proverbs 20:4
  6. Do I Find Myself Saying "I Will Do It Later"? Proverbs 10:5
  7. Do I Need Somebody to Help Me Get Going? Proverbs 12:24
  8. Do I Fail to Finish Things I Have Invested Time and Energy In To? There is wisdom, many times in things that are identified in conflict. My husband shares this truth with me often, and I spiral into defensive mode, BIG TIME! This is an area, that drives me completely nutty about myself and yet, I do it more than anything else. Little things become major things. Through the conflict and lessons of this past year, my personal growth has come in God's wonderful way of nudging, prodding and "here it is, would you please pay attention". Proverbs 12:27 & Proverbs 24:30-34
  9. Do I Live in a World of Wishful Thinking? Proverbs 13:4 & Proverbs 21:25-26
  10. Am I Ruled by my Appetites? Proverbs 26:14 & Proverbs 23:20-21
Thoughts to ponder:

  • ·       Is Christ first for me?
  • ·       "I become what I do regularly" Aristotle
  • ·       Am I my body's master or slave? 
  • ·       Am I resting on His promises or my premises?
  • ·       How am I motivated, externally or internally?
  • ·       God will not do for me what I can do for myself.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Emerging from the Wreckage (... a godly wife, obedient to love like Christ)

My life, my husband would say “is a fire drill”, unorganized, frantic and exhausting. And over the years, I would say that his assessment has been true in a lot of cases. In some areas of my life, however, I am overboard organized, calm and energized. Today, I claim the latter description moving forward. These have been consuming years, we truly have been through a lot. As I look out my office window, as I write this, I see our Redwood trees, sturdy, yet flexible, and deliberate on that kind of growing. With branches extended out, waving in the breeze, new growth on the tips, and stretching greatly to the sky – my mirror image today. 

Less than a month ago, I had no idea where my life was headed, what I would salvage from the wreckage of my unorganized, frantic and exhausting existence. It was early July, and I laid flat to the ground, sobbing and confused – how could I be here, and not hear all that was going on in my life? How could I disconnect so easily? What could I possibly do or say to make up for my lack of interest in my own life? I was definitely not living for anyone in this household – I was on a collision course with enemy territory. You see, the enemy hates marriage, and he will do anything to destroy it. Those little comments running through my head that said, “why bother, he doesn’t love you anyway?” or “it won’t matter if you work later, he doesn’t miss you…” those are lies. And, I would go to God, and tell Him how unhappy I was. How much I was hurting, and at no time did I feel the need to consider the one in my life, who does not know God; and the only God he saw, was totally disconnecting and leaving him behind even more. 

The fact that today, was a wonderful day, one full of fun, laughter, hope and excitement with my husband, is a miracle. 

My journey is clear. Although I may not always understand why I am traveling a particular way, as long as I know it is God’s will for me to be there, I will faithfully and trustingly follow him. 

In the rearranging of my schedule, I promised God, that my marriage would come first (after Him of course); so life is much different than I had grown accustomed to. In this process of restoration and rebuilding, I have asked God to restore more than just my marriage. I have prayed for the restoration of me, the person that always did what she said, the woman of her word – integrity with myself. To boldly state what I will do, and not be afraid to pursue it; and boldly stating something because I am so afraid; knowing that I have the strength of God with me, I step out much more confident than ever before and go toward my fear anyway.

It is important to Chris that I work out, that I am healthy and getting that competitive, athletic edge I always had before. So, I started a regiment; not tough, but takes some effort. Two days a week, I walk the hill; a 3+ mile walk down 2nd Street, and over to East Avenue, which is all up hill – a definite work out. As I started down the hill for my walk this morning, I had my scripture in hand, Romans 4 and a friend’s blog (Steve Wickham) entry from today Joy in the Continuity of Prayer – Part 1 

I printed both out, so I could read it as I walk down the hill, and I could pray and concentrate on what I read on the way back up the hill.

On my walk, I met a neighbor... had the most amazing conversation. He is 86, Leo. A little rough around the edges, said he was a plumber; as we were chatting outside his house, two young kids walked by and Leo talked to them, they said “hi, have a nice day” and were on their way. He said "the young people just don't want to hear from us old people" you could see in his eyes that he just wanted to share himself; his experience, his trade, his heart..... my heart broke. We stood and talked for 20 minutes. He said, "you know the Lord!" It wasn’t a question, it was his observation. I responded, "yes, I live for the Lord." 

He told me about his wife, Nola, her heart condition and diabetes episodes with the paramedics coming to the house in the middle of the night (I met her too and their friend Jane). He spoke of his accomplishments, life in general, the neighborhood, which by the way “I have lived here for 55 years, amazing, huh?” he went on. He attends Three Crosses; He started to tear up as he talked about the Lord - as I said, rough around the edges, a plumber (construction-type); share some illness concerns - He says, "you go, you have a walk to complete, but promise you'll come back - I know God brought you here." I asked if I could pray for his health and just in general. We shared quite a bit in those 20 minutes. Before I walked away he whispered "your husband - do it quietly... you, me and God got it covered, he will know our Lord".

Thank You Lord for blessing my life in ways that I never knew could be present. When in the past, I would have been one of the young kids too busy to hear an old folk share.

Additions later... 
I shared this privately with others... but knowing my lovely ladies who commented here, I thought you might find something in it. 

When complaining is directed at me.... in general or about me. I nod, but I am not nodding in agreement with what they say, 
I am nodding in agreement with who God says I am

"I am a mighty woman of God. I am lead to the most amazing situations through my days on earth. No matter what I am going through, my Christ went through the worst. My job is to unconditionally love a man who does not know Christ, and see Christ in me. I am a mighty woman of God, and He strengthens me through every uncomfortable moment, attack or disapproval by anyone else - for that is the enemy - looking for the weak spot to jump in and take me down. I will not be moved. I am on solid ground, here. God has my front, my back and all sides completely. Every arrow that comes to me, bounces back to slap the enemy in the face - take that... " 

or something along this line. It varies depending on how pissed off I am, or how hurt I am.

When anyone is negative, focuses on the negative... yada yada... 
Today, I FOCUS ON WHAT GOD GAVE ME. I wake up, praising that I get to spend eternity (which is a lot longer than my life here); my husband has pain that I will never know. Guilt that will not go away with his ways, and I know that God in him will transform him, so I pray diligently that the Lord will catch him... take his bitterness and turn it into tenderness. My God will take the pain of my husband and make him whole again. I am only unequally yoked in my marriage, but the husband I treasure is the one who died for me - who takes the hits for me every day, seen and unseen. My job, is to love my husband, like Christ loves me. And, who can turn that away?

There is so much wisdom in our lessons; I pray that the grieving is minor; and through your journey God is blessing your honesty and all the giving that is ushered my way from my God. 

And know that I am hearing God. It is hard, because a big part of me wants to just start over and have a life without all the riff and strife. My heart has been broken so much, and it is a daily exercise to seek God and to lay the words or looks or whatever feels wrong with my marriage at His feet. Through my pain, I administered pain to my husband too. Over the years, my disconnection has been deep wounds and wounds that were representative of Christ to him; and my entire desire is to wipe that from existence to create a new Christ for him in my example. The enemy works hard in my house... but I will not be moved. 

During my walk on Saturday as I walked home after meeting Leo, I was in tears, I felt so much grief and loss for a life I so wanted - a husband who adores me, edifies me, supports my every move... but as I did, I was released. What God has in store is greater. My life is being played out here, for a life I will truly live in eternity. Worshiping and loving in ways that tease the senses now.